Building a True Home
There is an assumption that we hold as we approach relationship. Or: an assumption that holds us, often so deep inside that it seems to be the fabric of our lives, woven into us, inextricable. Perhaps it arises from our earliest days after birth, when what we need is provided for us: our food, our shelter, our warmth and clothing - for most of us, all provided, after some fashion or another, by our mother and our father. Being nurtured is a “given”.
Imagine how that tiny hearts pounds, double-time, to grow strong and independent, how the blood pulses out to the fingertips as if to lengthen them! Fresh to the outside air, how the lungs open to new scents, eyes blurrily grasp at shapes as they gradually come into focus, skin senses the warmth of touch that is Home, that is Safety. Because we are a tiny, unprotected knot of life, those who “gave” birth to us must care for everything, or we wither, physically, emotionally.
I think there is something so deep in that act of receiving what is given, a nurturing that is imprinted in our cells, that as we mature we seek (of course!) to get it back, and we look to our intimate partners to be the Givers, while we might bask in the glow of Receiving.
And that is the most beautiful state of being, this dream of relationship, that we carry to one another as we merge our lives. Often it is the dream of being filled - here is someone who elicits love in my heart, here is someone who gives me touch (as I give him touch, give her touch), here is someone with whom I find vigor and the ability to rest - the dream brings us together.
In that splendid glow of Beginnings, where our eyes are all for each other, it feels much like that endless spring of warmth. We have come Home.
What no infant could understand, though, is that once weaned, we are complicit in that nurturing. It is no longer one-dimensional; we need to nurture Nurturing itself.
This must be why I feel comforted when I visit the countryside, when I visit a farm. Anyone knows, you throw seed on the soil and, with the good fortune of fertile land, that seed takes root and gives fruit. What a farmer understands is that, without gentle, constant cultivation, the weeds are often stronger, the sun and the birds may devour your plantings. Who plants a garden and hopes for bounty, untended, might be like the youth, who has not yet learned that love requires attention; that love is something practiced, not simply received; that Love is a practice.
Thich Nhat Hanh is the Buddhist Master of community, and emotional and spiritual health. His is one of the voices of our age, a guide from one of the Wisdom Traditions, that offers a clear road and gentle support along it. Practical thought and action that is free of dogma, and accessible to most English-speaking travelers.
Below, I have transcribed some lines from the opening minutes of his Dharma Talk, “Make a True Home of Your Love” – heart-nourishing wisdom available free, on line. (Perhaps there are Mothers and Fathers out there yet… that warm us, asking nothing but that we pass the warmth along…?)
In Vietnamese, the husband calls the wife ‘My Home’; and the wife calls her husband her ‘Home’. Nhà tôi, it means ‘my house’, ‘my home’. And when the gentleman is asked where his wife is, he answers, ‘Ah… My House is right now at the post office. [laughter] And when the wife calls the husband ‘Nhà tôi? My home?’, then he will answer ‘Here I am’. So, when you are in such a relationship, the other person is your home, your True Home. And… you should be a true home for him, or for her.
It’s very clear, in a relationship you should be your own True Home, in order for you to be his Home, or her Home. That is the practice. Now in these days people in Vietnam still call themselves ‘My Home’ as husband and wife. We understand that, but we should practice, in order to be a True Home for ourselves and a True Home for the one that we love.
If you don’t feel safe within yourself, you are not ‘Home’ for your own self, and you cannot provide your beloved one, a home. That is why it is important to go back to yourself to make it safe for you and for the ones you love.
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When you feel lonely, when you feel cut off, when you suffer, you need healing. You cannot expect to heal and to be warm by having a sexual relationship with another person. That cannot heal you. You will create more suffering for him, for her, and for yourself. We learn that sexual desire is not love, and without love, sexual activities can only bring suffering to you and to the other person.
Loneliness cannot be dissipated by sexual activities; you cannot heal yourself by having sex. You have to learn how to heal yourself, to be comfortable within, and you begin to have Home. As you have Home you have something to offer to the other person; and the other person has to do exactly the same thing, the other person has to heal himself, to heal herself, to get warm inside, so that he, she will feel better, at ease, and can be come Home, he can share that, she can share that; otherwise he or she can only share the loneliness, the sickness, the suffering. That cannot help heal you at all.
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Our insight will help transform the suffering inside of ourselves, we feel lighter, we feel warmth and peace inside. And that is for us, and that is for the other person as well. And then, when the other person joins you in building Home, now you have an Ally. You are helping him, and he is helping you, and together you have home, you have home in yourself, and home in the other as well.
If that kind of intimacy doesn’t exist, has not existed, and then sexual relationship can cause a lot of damage. And that is why in everything I said, physical/sexual intimacy cannot be separated from emotional intimacy. And between the spiritual and the emotional there is a link. Spiritual is not just a belief, in a spiritual diction. Spirituality is a practice. […] Without a spiritual dimension in our life, we cannot deal with the difficulties that we encounter in our daily life. We should have a practice […] we should have a spiritual path, a practice…
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We have said that sexual desire is not love, but our society is organized in such a way that sensual pleasure becomes the most important thing. They want to sell their products, and they make advertisements that water the seed of craving in you. They want you to consume in such a way that you have sensual pleasure. But sensual pleasure can destroy you. What we need is mutual understanding, trust, love, spiritual intimacy. But we don’t have the opportunity to meet that kind of deep need in us.
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There is always time to open ourselves to a compassionate voice. Here is teaching for today, the only cost being, maybe, our false security; and the harvest, a word of courage for each of us. Contentment, love, is not out of reach: it begins by recognizing we are not helpless, no longer infants, but strong and complete adults; then to acknowledge, against our common culture, that nothing arrives in an instant, but with patience, and a smile.
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