I am not finding new music lately – the guitar gathered weather-checks and dust in Newburyport, while Cata and I made a home in Barcelona – but I am finding old emotions, well worn like a favorite coat (frayed hem, splitting seam, threadbare around the collar), that in the same moment keeps me warm and lets in the chill.

Friday I arrived at our annual dance weekend, and sat in a circle with a hundred friends, for the eighth or ninth or tenth time: here were the easy smiles, the welcoming hugs, and lives I have come to know through stories shared (or shared stories). Always comforting, a great community.

But there was some discomfort, an uneasiness that kept me out of the moment, and the exercises were unsatisfying, while the dances, usually long and nuanced, were flat and short. The attempt to find my way into the evening felt forced. What was going on?

I stepped away from the twirling and tumbling partners. I stood at the edge of the floor. I took a breath. “What am I doing here?” I asked no one in particular, and under my breath. What was I doing? Why was I here?

So often we grasp for the answers, when all that was needed was the question. Ask, receive? Oh (holding back tears): I came here to say good-bye.

I am not finding new music lately. The guitar is waiting for my life to stop moving, and my heart to get better airplay. But this song from another time, another opening and another circle, came back complete enough to sing it to myself. I wish I had had a space and the guitar to sing it to these friends, too; I guess this is the space, and here is my guitar.

Journey Be Your Friend – Mark Schultz

Journey Be Your Friend

So now it’s time to say goodbye
we knew the hour would come
for every day will have its night
and every wheel turns round
and every hand that you have held
will feel more empty now

small price to be paid
for the friendship we made
so long

 

We shoulder our loads and take to our roads
let the journey be our friend
the horizon it seems will collect all our dreams
but a circle begins where it ends
behind every eye that you have held
is a seed you have watered well

garden of days
in this friendship we made
so strong

 

So let’s share a smile and hug for a while
don’t let go ’til the heart is full
to touch the skin of this shell that we’re in
is to learn we’re not alone
and other skies may wash your eyes
with memories if they will

small price to be paid
for the bond that we made
so strong
small price to be paid
for the friendship we made
so long

The price of love is the leave-taking. I hope to never dull the pain of that departure, let it be wild as the love was large.

“Different Shades of the Same Grey” by Felicia @ DeviantArt.com

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